source: Skyrion on deviantART
[Warning: gruesome descriptions ahead. You have been warned.]
Amongst the battle ranks of Thierry Mugler‘s otherworldly aliens and monstrous beasts, there stands at the forefront of them all a powerful, fearsome leader. She is Angel, a perfume demon whose evil knows no bounds. As she waits for the right moment to strike, she licks her lips as she relishes the blood she will soon taste, lips that are stained a Nicki Minaj neon pink. Foes who are lulled into a false sense of security by the frivolous, ditzy colour of her lipstick will know regret once they have experienced her kiss of death – a noxious, cotton candy smooch that smothers the life force of her victims upon contact.
Angel of Death
Angel bears her fruity fangs in a menacing scowl as she prowls impatiently at the front of the battle line. When will her master send her forth to rain destruction upon her enemies? “Oh, those lovers of fleeting aquatic florals – I’ll show them alright,” she thinks, as she comforts herself with visions of the fright frozen on their faces as their blood oozes out from the deep slash marks that rend their wrecked bodies. She clenches her brown chocolate claws in quivering anticipation. She will tear them apart. She will rip them to pieces.
And ah, how will they react when she rips off her battle armour mid-flight and reveals her ultimate weapon – a grotesquely misshapen patchouli derrière that is capable of releasing poisonous fumes capable of incapacitating even the strongest of warriors who have thus far resisted her other attacks? She bellows in pride, a strange sound that marries the intense rage of a bull charging at its taunting matador de toros and the horrific gurgle of a pig whose throat has just been slit.
Angel‘s vulgar corruption is complete. She gazes at you with a soul-piercing intensity, daring you to challenge her. Clueless, you press the trigger that releases her.
source: leagueoflegends.com
Up, up, she races, and out! She is free to do as she pleases, free to wreak havoc upon the innocent. How she flies and swoops, laughing maniacally as she dives in for the assault. You. You’ve released her. You devil.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
~ The Smelly Vagabond
The Smelly Vagabond 
This was the funniest and best thing I’ve read for a while. Really. The “horrific” dying sounds of a gurgling pig…. I can’t stop grinning.
Absolutely priceless, from start to finish. Bravo!!
P.S. — I’m going to need brain bleach to eradicate that image of Nicki Minaj from my mind. Your warning was not enough. If I have nightmares of her coming after me in that pose, I shall blame you. Bad, Vagabond, bad! 😉
Dear Kafkaesque,
Thank you very muchly, and I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’ve had this idea of ‘Angel’ as a ‘Demon’ stewing in my hand for some time now – I remember typing down very quick thoughts on this and saving it as a draft as far back as November 2013! So there you go – the product of months of procrastination! I seem to only be able to write when inspiration strikes, sadly. May I perchance humbly enquire which side of the battle you stand on? I need to know if you are a Friend or a Foe! 😀
P.S. Apologies for the Nicki Minaj image. I daresay it was worse than any of the others featuring evil fallen angels. But oh, her lips. They cometh after thee with their cotton candy smooch of death…
Joshua, even though I disagree with you fundamentally on every level here (Angel is my home girl), this was a lot of fun to read! Great post 🙂
Dear Thomas,
I know you’re a huge fan of Angel! We shall stand at opposing sides of the battleground, although I fear that if you ever approached me with a bottle of Angel in hand you would have conquered and vanquished me almost immediately…
‘grotesquely misshapen patchouli derrière’: best line of the week.
and gorgeoso visual…..love those teeth..
( and incidentally, i am very much in the middle…i have a bottle, like it, hardly wear it…..genius in a way, but too much…..)
Haha hope that line sticks through the week! Or whenever you wear Angel. Aye, I do admire it, but find its presence so overbearing.
And it can smell so extraordinarily low IQ on the wrong individual. A real thickster. My sister gets enRAGED when she smells it on people in the morning tube. She actually has Angelphobia.
I have Angelphobia too. My perfume-loving friends back in Singapore deviously spray Angel/Amen on strips that they pass to me during our perfume meetup sessions, just to watch my reaction. I think Angel wears people, and I can’t think of anyone who wears Angel instead. Angel leaves no room for one’s personality.
J., “even though I disagree with you fundamentally on every level here” (and disagree with both you and Thomas on Angel being a woman), I enjoyed reading your post and can’t stop giggling about “kiss of death” and other images you’ve conjured : -)
Oh, Undina, I’ve just read and loved your story of Angel. I thought your jealousy was funny, and very well-warranted indeed 😀 I don’t personally believe Angel is necessarily a woman, hence I characterised her as having a manly roar. Oh, Angel sure is divisive indeed!